Episode 56: A Matter of Time

I unsuccessfully attempted to shake loose one of the boys I have been dating. I made the mistake of telling him the truth: it's a time issue.

As we've chatted about, I have three pressing time sucks in my life at present:

Work (including freelance)
Friends
Dating

Work is not really optional. And for the for most part I don't resent the time it takes.  There will be times that I will, but for right now it's still a lot of learning, getting up to speed and balancing what I will and won't take home. My freelance work hasn't been too crazy for the past few months, for which I'm very grateful. That too is going to change in a couple of months pending a client's anticipated funding. I'm excited and hoping to put a big dent in the student loans and save up for a newer car. Also, I just heard that one of my clients that I've been begging to migrate has started training on their new system. I'm so happy for them--it's definitely time, even if it means I lose them as a client.

Friends are not something I'm willing to give up. I spent too long isolated, too far from all of you. Granted, you're still a bit of a plane ride, but now it's two and a half hours. Not an eight hour day of transit. In theory I could leave after work on Friday, catch the last flight and be there in time to still go out in the city. My friends are smart interesting people. We wouldn't be friends at this late of date if we weren't. So I want to spend time with them. I want to arrange gatherings of them and see what think tank type things spill out of us. 

And then there is dating. Culturally I'm supposed to be doing it. I don't have anything particularly against it. But it takes time.

I know I probably went about it the wrong way, flinging myself back into the dating scene and spreading myself a little too thin over the month of January. If it meant that my SAD was under control, I was all for it. But now I find myself resenting the time it takes. These are not friends with whom I can meet for an hour and a cup of coffee and move on to the next thing. These are not people willing to wander around Home Depot with me for hours as I discuss the meaning of life and which entryway carpeting I want and how choosing a particular shade of brown will influence everything in my life and apartment. 

Dating means running home from work, changing clothes, reapplying makeup, and abandoning my cat for four hours of awkward conversation. Dating is allowing a man to talk about himself for several hours and then finding out that he thinks you two have bonded because you're acting as his own personal therapist for the evening. Dating is realizing that during that goodnight kiss, you were planning a grocery list for next week and wondering if you'll be absolutely useless at work the next day if you go to the 24 hr laundromat as soon as you get home.

And so comes the resentment of realizing that I've given up a quiet evening that I really needed to sit in a crowded restaurant wondering if he's really that oblivious.

On a late phone chat with a friend we talked about what amount of time I was willing to put into things and the obvious split. I am perfectly happy to drop my to do lists in the interest of a late night drink, an unexpected dinner invitation, a crisis etc. but that I have trouble allocating time for dating. Maybe it's the guys I've met so far? Maybe it's just me?

However, in the interest of sanity and figuring out how not to resent the time and effort, I will pull back.  I'm sure there are decent guys out there with whom I might bond but so far I haven't found one where an invitation for something beyond the first date hasn't sparked a twinge of resignation. One should not go into a second date because of obligation and with a garnish of slight frustration. Such is to say I am entirely abandoning dating, but the selectivity parameters are getting more restrictive.