In 2010 I will try to accept what I can and can't do.
I can't change the past.
I can't change the extended family I was born into.
I can't change the choices others have made.
I can't break down the wall of futility by beating my head against it.
I can't please everyone.
I can choose who I keep in touch with and the family build for myself.
I can let go of people who are willfully self-destructing.
I can see there are other things out there for me and pursue them.
I can clean out things that are unnecessary clutter.
I can stop listening/promoting/being a part of the drama.
I can love greatly, widely and deeply.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Episode 33: Without the Sob Story...
Periodically I like to go through my closets and get rid of things. I used to be so much better at this when I was moving at least once every twelve months. There's nothing like the prospect of having to haul all that you own up and down stairs to make you wonder if it's really worth keeping. I'm trying to clear out some things preemptively to make my next move easier--whenever that may be and well knowing that I'll still get rid of cases of stuff then.
One of the easiest ways to not have to carry things around in my trunk and make dedicated runs to Goodwill is to put things on Craigslist for free. I've given away zip disk drives, brand new small appliances that no one I knew wanted (trust me--I tried), etc., usually with a maximum of three emails and general ease for all concerned. One of my roomies and I listed a whole ton of stuff for very nominal prices once and did a lot of cleaning out one Saturday.
Two things about this process annoy me
1) People who turn it into the drama.
2) People who try to negotiate price when they've already committed to buying it.
I ran into the drama recently. I was giving away a widget*. Nice quality, not very big, and I'd never used it. It lived at Mum's for a number of years and when it showed up at my place (she keeps sending "my stuff" home with me), it was immediately shoved in a closet.
Within a few hours of the posting I had multiple sob stories about how this widget would mean so much to the emailer, how they would give it a good home and use it every day. Was I now supposed to feel guilty that this was cluttering up a shelf when someone else would dearly adore it? Which sob story was I supposed to believe more? I don't mind a line of explanation as to why you want said widget but the woe-is-me stuff got a bit much considering we're talking about a widget--not a pet or something where I particularly care about how well you'll treat it five minutes after it leaves my presence.
There were several other emails of interest. I'd apparently had too much eggnog because the person I selected was one of those who I could see going down Drama Lane at high speed. Which it promptly did as we tried to arrange pick up. Despite clear instructions in the original posting, or so I thought, the emailer couldn't grasp the concept of today evening or tomorrow evening as being the options. The "it's not safe to drive after dark" pretty much tipped the scales--have you noticed that we're in the part of the year where it seriously starts to get dark at 4 p.m.? If you can't come over in the evening when it's dark because that's when I'm home....why did you respond?
I was tempted, sorely tempted, to cancel and say look, I've got other people, you're taking up waaaaay more of my time than this is worth. If you can't get here, I'll just move on. But that would have just quintupled the drama and I really had other things I needed to do.
And other than the fact that then we'd have to talk about money changing hands, I'd consider putting a nominal fee on it. Certainly my time is worth some recompense. But the price thing, while not an issue this round, drove me batty when roomie and I were clearing out. People would agree to the price, show up, and then try to pay less. Umm...seriously dude? You AGREED to the price. This is not a yard sale where there might be some expectation of willingness to bargain.
I'm seriously considering putting "No sob stories, massive date/time pick up negotiations, or price waffling after you've agreed to come get it" in all of my future postings.
*type of widget immaterial but distinctive...bear with me.
One of the easiest ways to not have to carry things around in my trunk and make dedicated runs to Goodwill is to put things on Craigslist for free. I've given away zip disk drives, brand new small appliances that no one I knew wanted (trust me--I tried), etc., usually with a maximum of three emails and general ease for all concerned. One of my roomies and I listed a whole ton of stuff for very nominal prices once and did a lot of cleaning out one Saturday.
Two things about this process annoy me
1) People who turn it into the drama.
2) People who try to negotiate price when they've already committed to buying it.
I ran into the drama recently. I was giving away a widget*. Nice quality, not very big, and I'd never used it. It lived at Mum's for a number of years and when it showed up at my place (she keeps sending "my stuff" home with me), it was immediately shoved in a closet.
Within a few hours of the posting I had multiple sob stories about how this widget would mean so much to the emailer, how they would give it a good home and use it every day. Was I now supposed to feel guilty that this was cluttering up a shelf when someone else would dearly adore it? Which sob story was I supposed to believe more? I don't mind a line of explanation as to why you want said widget but the woe-is-me stuff got a bit much considering we're talking about a widget--not a pet or something where I particularly care about how well you'll treat it five minutes after it leaves my presence.
There were several other emails of interest. I'd apparently had too much eggnog because the person I selected was one of those who I could see going down Drama Lane at high speed. Which it promptly did as we tried to arrange pick up. Despite clear instructions in the original posting, or so I thought, the emailer couldn't grasp the concept of today evening or tomorrow evening as being the options. The "it's not safe to drive after dark" pretty much tipped the scales--have you noticed that we're in the part of the year where it seriously starts to get dark at 4 p.m.? If you can't come over in the evening when it's dark because that's when I'm home....why did you respond?
I was tempted, sorely tempted, to cancel and say look, I've got other people, you're taking up waaaaay more of my time than this is worth. If you can't get here, I'll just move on. But that would have just quintupled the drama and I really had other things I needed to do.
And other than the fact that then we'd have to talk about money changing hands, I'd consider putting a nominal fee on it. Certainly my time is worth some recompense. But the price thing, while not an issue this round, drove me batty when roomie and I were clearing out. People would agree to the price, show up, and then try to pay less. Umm...seriously dude? You AGREED to the price. This is not a yard sale where there might be some expectation of willingness to bargain.
I'm seriously considering putting "No sob stories, massive date/time pick up negotiations, or price waffling after you've agreed to come get it" in all of my future postings.
*type of widget immaterial but distinctive...bear with me.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Episode 32: Brave the Shopping....
I had to brave the mall last night to finish some Christmas shopping. I don't go there on a regular basis, perhaps three times a year, and Christmas is always a visit faced with dread. I know there will be a lot of people there; I know sales people will be stressed and tired; I know that I'll want to be just about anywhere but there.
Surprisingly I found a parking spot right away outside of Macy's. I don't mind walking a little ways but when a corner spot presents itself, I'm not (like some) going to sit in my car wasting time and gas hovering for a spot three feet closer to the door. I did enough hovering for ANY parking in graduate school.
Once inside I headed for a perfume counter. Though the girls who were designated to work at that particular counter were apparently not interested in acknowledging a girl still bundling out of her marshmallow down coat, an older woman who said she used to work with the product stepped up and helped me wade through some options. Of course, I smelled like a fragrance I'll never wear for the next few hours but hey--what we do for family.
Then there was some aimless wandering while I tried to figure out what I wanted to purchase. Call it being picky or prudent, mostly I was underwhelmed. No one I know needs more knick-knacks, I seem to be mostly between specialty clothing stores (out of tween/teen, not yet into matron). I managed to avoid the "hair product" kiosk---they were trying hard to grab just about anyone. Considering my hair won't hold curl to save itself and I'm happy with the straightening iron I break out four times a year, I was probably not the best option as a potential client.
I wandered into Bath and Body Works and was stunned how much had changed. I used to know 90% of the fragrances, had an opinion on each, knew what was new. Now I don't recognize the bottles other than recognizing that they've gotten smaller. As I'm the only one in the family with a B&B problem (trust me--I still have WAY too much lotion in the bathroom than any person in her right mind needs), I couldn't really see purchasing more. I made myself leave before succumbing to the lure of scented anti-bacterial soap.
I purchased some gift candles. If I have a general sense of someone else's nose, candles are a good option. They burn down, are used up and then they're gone.
Then to the jewelry store for ring cleaning. I was happy to see that they were busy and was amused to listen to a girl picking out her engagement ring with her friend (not the boy). She had a setting in mind, a specific diamond cut and color that she wanted, I'm not really sure her soon to be fiance would have any input on it other than handing over his paycheck. Other than a pin I received from (and returned to) a boy in middle school, I don't have a lot of experience getting jewelry from men so perhaps that's the usual thing to do now. I would hope any guy I actually became engaged to would have the presence of mind to rifle through my jewelry box and beg assistance from a couple of my friends and relatives. (For future reference, I like Marquis cut and I don't really like diamonds--but you knew that.)
My final mall stop was Hallmark for some gift wrap. The bags and things I'd purchased were already digging in my hands and carrying my coat, while a necessity, was making things that much more difficult. As I went to hand over my card a passerby asked if I'd like her $5 coupon, saying she'd not use it before expiration. Of course! It was a nice gesture and one I absolutely appreciated.
Back to the parking lot to dodge cars expelling passengers and hovering in wait of the spot nearest the crosswalk (despite there being another spot 5 ft away, yes, literally). Then a quick pass through Kohl's and home, where I was greeted by an annoyed tabby who was trying to figure out if she could guilt trip me into more eggnog.
I'm just grateful I don't need to go back to the mall for a few months.
Surprisingly I found a parking spot right away outside of Macy's. I don't mind walking a little ways but when a corner spot presents itself, I'm not (like some) going to sit in my car wasting time and gas hovering for a spot three feet closer to the door. I did enough hovering for ANY parking in graduate school.
Once inside I headed for a perfume counter. Though the girls who were designated to work at that particular counter were apparently not interested in acknowledging a girl still bundling out of her marshmallow down coat, an older woman who said she used to work with the product stepped up and helped me wade through some options. Of course, I smelled like a fragrance I'll never wear for the next few hours but hey--what we do for family.
Then there was some aimless wandering while I tried to figure out what I wanted to purchase. Call it being picky or prudent, mostly I was underwhelmed. No one I know needs more knick-knacks, I seem to be mostly between specialty clothing stores (out of tween/teen, not yet into matron). I managed to avoid the "hair product" kiosk---they were trying hard to grab just about anyone. Considering my hair won't hold curl to save itself and I'm happy with the straightening iron I break out four times a year, I was probably not the best option as a potential client.
I wandered into Bath and Body Works and was stunned how much had changed. I used to know 90% of the fragrances, had an opinion on each, knew what was new. Now I don't recognize the bottles other than recognizing that they've gotten smaller. As I'm the only one in the family with a B&B problem (trust me--I still have WAY too much lotion in the bathroom than any person in her right mind needs), I couldn't really see purchasing more. I made myself leave before succumbing to the lure of scented anti-bacterial soap.
I purchased some gift candles. If I have a general sense of someone else's nose, candles are a good option. They burn down, are used up and then they're gone.
Then to the jewelry store for ring cleaning. I was happy to see that they were busy and was amused to listen to a girl picking out her engagement ring with her friend (not the boy). She had a setting in mind, a specific diamond cut and color that she wanted, I'm not really sure her soon to be fiance would have any input on it other than handing over his paycheck. Other than a pin I received from (and returned to) a boy in middle school, I don't have a lot of experience getting jewelry from men so perhaps that's the usual thing to do now. I would hope any guy I actually became engaged to would have the presence of mind to rifle through my jewelry box and beg assistance from a couple of my friends and relatives. (For future reference, I like Marquis cut and I don't really like diamonds--but you knew that.)
My final mall stop was Hallmark for some gift wrap. The bags and things I'd purchased were already digging in my hands and carrying my coat, while a necessity, was making things that much more difficult. As I went to hand over my card a passerby asked if I'd like her $5 coupon, saying she'd not use it before expiration. Of course! It was a nice gesture and one I absolutely appreciated.
Back to the parking lot to dodge cars expelling passengers and hovering in wait of the spot nearest the crosswalk (despite there being another spot 5 ft away, yes, literally). Then a quick pass through Kohl's and home, where I was greeted by an annoyed tabby who was trying to figure out if she could guilt trip me into more eggnog.
I'm just grateful I don't need to go back to the mall for a few months.
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